No Promises

For the entire time that I lived in Delhi the only thing that brought my senses to life was the last ride that I took with my Love on his very adorable Avenger bike. The sky was turning from blue to grey.. the stars were finding their way out to peep from the dark skies and what added to the beauty were tower touching airplanes that flew right over us. Finally I was experiencing the rawness that I was used to. Although we were out for a specific purpose I didn't want us to go there. Rather I wanted the ride to never end.
I clenched him closer to me as if to make sure he's all mine. He had been very supportive all throughout my stay in Delhi. Took me to places I'd never seen let alone visiting and if it weren't him I never would have. Everywhere we went I saw his eyes chasing me. It held my breath. I wanted to kill myself for not being able to show the same madness for him but only I know how much pleasure it gave me just to stare at the eyes only meant to see me. I don't know what he looked at, what he searched ... my flaws or was he just making a quick comparison between him and me. I became conscious about myself and distracted myself.
It started very formally. It could be possible that this was the reason my feelings were taking time to believe that this was true. I never thought I would be blessed with such a good looking, well bred, sophisticated, hard to resist partner. I was not able to match up to him or at least I thought so. He never made me feel that way.
What all I had imagined that we'd do and say.. I just couldn't do anything. He was right I won't be able to say anything when I'll meet him.
Late night over the phone conversations turned into meeting and dating.. everything was happening quite fast. I was unable to catch hold of myself. Everything was so beautiful, new to me. The places he took me to were new, I felt lost.....rather invisible. As if there's a movie that's going on and I'm just a spectator.
In the glistening lights of Delhi I became so awestruck that I went into a shell of my own. It happens with me so much that whenever I'm in a new environment no matter how much comforting it is I tend to lose my pace. I become introvert. One can say it's a flaw but for me it's a part of my nature. I tend to become the exact opposite of what I am. From a lively, bubbly , full of life person to a destitute , scared individual. And this stage continues till I find my own space and like minded people. This nature of mine often backfires and that was what that happened. People who know me or at least have interacted with me understand my nature but for someone who's just started knowing me it becomes difficult and it's painful to see that you're being misunderstood without any fault of yours.
Although we shared a hell lot of things over the phone, things turned out different when I visited ground zero. The promises that we made were intact but our consciousness reflected in our behavior.
I would be the last person on this earth to see my relationships turning sour this early.
Throughout the ride I kept on reflecting upon the ups and downs we faced during my stay... mostly downs I would say. I had completely lost my form. I just couldn't be me. Kill me for this yaar. I had gone into some other stance, started behaving very lady like, keeping mum. I had lost my rhythm. I tried hard to put myself together and try again but amidst multiple factors that were playing along something or the other spoiled it.
As the dusk broke I was still watching him sleep. I was left with a very few hours, I had to leave early without knowing whether I'll return or not. These were the last precious glances I wanted to take along with me. I knew I had given him enough grudges, the pain was evident and my heart was bleeding with guilt. I cried as I left. I had no control over what all happened. He just wanted me to be around him, happy, enjoying everything. But my nature turned out to be my enemy. I just couldn't find comfort with myself. It was not you Love, it was me. I never intended to play a spoil sport, that just isn't me.
Teary eyed I left for the station. Staring him from time to time. His disappointment almost bursting out of his eyes. I wish I could have stayed back and mend things that went hay stray. I guess it was important that I left so that we both realize where things didn't work out and if there's mutual love then again we'll reunite and compensate on all that didn't happen.
There's always thunder before the rain that makes everything look beautiful. There's always pain before pleasure. I guess that's what happened with us. I cross my fingers for a better future. I'm adamant on the fact that I wish to spend my entire life with this person who's a bit moody, a bit swaggy, a bit naughty, sensitive, angry, loving, very adorable and All Mine :)
As my train leaves Delhi, I see my guy still standing outside my window. We share our last glances and with each glance I promise he'll see a much changed Sumbul very soon... he won't be facing any of these troubles again. I won't ruin his life like this. Either it'll be beautiful or it will go down in flames. There's no midway. If the relationship doesn't make you happy it isn't worth it.

P.S. this blog is a loving dedication to the most beautiful thing that happened to me, My Love.
I can't express my feelings well... I hope my words do what I lack. I never made tea for anyone, never woke up early to make breakfast, never waited anxiously for someone to return from work, never ironed anyone's clothes, never held anyone so close, never wanted to give up everything for someone. If actions speak louder than words, my actions have... they didn't scream for attention is another thing. 

Comments

  1. Leaving someone and citing one's own nature as a reason, doesn't seems right or logical. You hurt someone and say that you are only hurting him,so that he is not hurt! Ironic!

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  2. I didn't leave him.. I was asked to. I love him so much that I came to him without even thinking twice about my job. what would happen if it didn't work out. all i thought was about he wanted me there. I came.. I tried to adjust..i had only a week's stay and in that span of time i was expected to become a new person altogether. I came there for him and i was trying to adapt myself to the changed environment. the life there was totally different and one week was a very small time. all i wanted from him was support which he refused to give. the reason I was given was totally void that I couldn't adjust to his lifestyle. today after 8 months I am living the same lifestyle as he is.. working in the same place he is. for 8 months i kept trying to do everything I could and nothing was good enough for him. would u not consider a person who's trying so much for u? would u just end things? would u not even give another chance? I am not blaming anyone.. I just take life as a learning experience. It taught me never to trust so much again and take such a big leap of faith.

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  3. Either you are yet to discover yourself or confusion is just your thing or perseverance is not your thing or you are the one who is more of " Are mera kal kitna acchha tha, Aaj waisa kyon nahi hai" . 1 week is not enough to just give up. Let's assume if you live until 70 years and say you marry someone when you are 30, so you both would have to make efforts for 52*40 weeks and 1 week is just 0.0004807 of that time. Ups and downs would be there in every relationship, it's just living 1 day at a time would have seen you through. I am yet to meet someone who can't be loved.

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    1. See understand one thing.. i didn't have up. He did. The commission was with him I'm not the kind of person who gives up. And I'm very sure of the decision i make. I wouldn't appreciate your comments about me without understanding me. This way you're doing exactly the same thing he did. For 8 months I kept trying. I did everything I could to make things better. I lived in the worst of places. I never gave up on. He was never sure what he wanted and kept giving me lame reasons for ending it. I will never force myself into someone's life. I week is not good enough to know a person. That's was something unfair that happened.

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  4. Hmm.. First thing, as a matter of fact, we have never met, neither we have spoken with each nor chatted online or exchanged emails and on top of that we at this moment don't have any common friends anywhere and I am not someone secret admirer or Jabra Fan, though I am eagerly waiting for the movie...he is just a brilliant actor but very commercialised which has not done justice to his skills and class.
    Secondly it's very easy to sketch a person based on what and how he writes about himself because when you write you focus and think and choose your words very carefully as to how you want to present your thoughts and that reflects your way of thinking, your outlook towards life, which is good enough to gauge a person.
    Thirdly I can feel your pain, as I have been through all that pain for a much longer time and over a bigger scale. Cried ,weeped, spent sleepless nights , talked to God, day in and day out "why me?" He said "why not you?" I want you to make a better person through bitter experiences. Thats what he told me..
    Fourthly 1 week doesn't match with what you had written in you blog, be perfect or die trying In jan 2015. It's conflicts and shows confusion, surely you are a smart woman and so must have chosen smartly as I believe there was an element of love not an arranged thing. But conflicts and confusions are perfect signs of a good soul and heart. Also the fact that we are imperfect and make mistakes actually makes us human and sometimes helps us to learn and laugh at our own mistakes.
    Lastly if you think, I am doing like what he did, makes me feel like you are exactly what she was... That makes us common among uniques...I too write but I am not as strong as you to publish it, I just keep it in my dairy.
    Let's stop this thread here.. Long weekend hai , bande ko picture bhi toh Dekhni hai..

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  5. Well said.. what I wrote is only a glimpse of what I've experienced. I didn't write every incident as didn't want to use this space to portray someone as a villain. I just shared an experience of my life that left a strong impact. Nobody can know what a person really is from his writing, he/she may include some fiction in the story. What you can understand is how much emotional or sensitive a person could be towards people or relationships. I said you're being like him just because you were judging me in a small span of time. I've been through a lot of pain too, that was as you said that love had evolved and arranged had taken a back seat. Had there been no love there wouldn't have been promises and I wouldn't have left my regular life and came over to delhi and take the challenge of beginning a new life here. It surely was love that made me do insane things. I don't write for sympathy although there are numerous things that happened in 8months with me and i kept asking God why all this pain? What have I done. No matter what I did this pain didn't leave me.
    I'll keep writing and encourage people to write too. I thank you for taking out time to read my blog and sharing your views. Do enjoy the weekend. Stay blessed. Bye

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  6. Thanks for your blessings.. I am bit blunt on speaking my heart out and expressing it and if that causes some uneasiness, then I am sorry. I am an analyst by nature and profession too, so spare me for that :-). All I learnt is, God won't come down to help you, he has other interesting things to do, but he will make sure you have all that you need to help yourself and I think you have it all to help yourself.
    Bye!!

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    1. I second you on that thought. I'm an analyst too by profession and an observer by nature. It's okay if you express things it's rather better than having grudges in ur heart. I believe one must take life as an experience.they will be sweet they will be sour.. they'll tear you apart.. they'll break you down the strength is within ourselves. In spite of having a troubled life i kept pushing myself to move ahead and didn't give up on me. Today I'm serving one of the best companies Alhamdolillah.

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  7. It's good to be independent, just use it wisely. Don't know if you read Urdu poets and their creations. One such is Meer Taqi Meer and just thought I would share his 2 lines here. He says " Woh tujh ko bhoole hain, to tujh par bhi yeah laazim hai Meer,,,,,,, khaak daal, Aag laga, naam Na le, yaad Na Kar"...

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