CONSTRAINED

Don't leave the house after dark Don't go alone, take your brother along
Behave like a girl
Girls don't speak the way you do
You can't go out with friends, papa won't like it....
Sounds familiar? Well, it does to me.
I am the elder child of the family. I feel I have got responsibilities too. Being a girl doesn't make me feel less important for my family. In fact I have always played the role of an elder son. Doing odd chores of the house, bringing monthly rashan on my scooty, whether official or household I have done it all. I am well versed with the streets and crowd of Lucknow.
It's because of this that I have inhibited some of the characteristics of males. The way they think, walk, talk and roam about fearlessly. In fact I get along with the male crowd more freely. I have the ability to punch a guy right in the face or to raise my voice against any wrongdoing.
I loved being the elder child and sharing responsibilities but from time to time I'm reminded that I'm a girl and I have some limitations.

It's a recent incident that has left me feeling constrained. I feel l'm unable to express or do what I feel...

Since the time I've started working, my social interactions have increased multifold. People look upon me as a person who is in charge and can do things single-handedly. I never disappoint my seniors when it comes to accomplish a task alone. Never say NO to help a needy colleague. At workplace I have an image of a confident girl who can go out for meetings, can handle elite clients single handedly and conduct session for a crowd of 50 people glued to her speech.

The scenario is a 360 degree turn at home. I'm not allowed to leave home after 7p.m. I am not allowed to visit a shop near my house if the road is deserted. I need to take my little brother to drop me to my friend's house that is at the end of my lane. Can you believe it???
It was an urgent call on Sunday. I had to receive the documents in time to dispatch them on Monday on time. It had been raining for continuous 2 days in Lucknow. Who would want to leave the house and get drenched..? But I had to, because you see sometimes work comes first. My colleague had come half way to my house to hand me the documents, he couldn't locate my house so I asked him to wait and that I would come and take it from him. I rushed before the rain got heavier. It took me around 5 minutes to get back home and voila! These 5 minutes had turned my house upside down. My dad was screaming like anything. I understood..It had happened before.
Where has she gone in such a hurry? What work does she has on sunday? Can't she take her brother along?
And let me tell you it was 2p.m. in the day and the place was not even a kilometre away from my house. All this gets on my nerves to hear things like..
She must be having an affair or why would she go out in this rain?  Dad scolding my mother and saying.. it's all your fault, why don't you keep an eye on her? 

When I carry home heavy sacks of wheat flour on my own nobody says, beta why didn't you take your brother along...
When I take my mom to market just after coming back from work..nobody says.. it's late, you stay at home your brother shall take your mother to the market. When I used to travel by bus for college and walked 2-3 km daily...came home taught my students and would still do household chores.. nobody had any problem. Then why? Why now? That too without even trying to know where I went , why I rushed in a hurry? Couldn't it be something important? Is it always something wrong that comes to their mind?
I had been asking my brother to go and get the documents from my colleague but he refused. I was forced to go myself. All that I do is to make my family feel less burdened but sometimes in return what I get is a feeling of constraint. I am doubted, misunderstood and misjudged. I could have explained had they listened but they had already passed their judgement for my actions and didn't even ask me what happened child something important came up??

At one hand I'll be appreciated at my workplace for completing the work on time and on the other hand I'm bearing the brunt of going out without informing, alone, to meet a stranger in a hurry.

I am unable to understand where are my limits? At some point I'm considered big enough to get married and take the responsibilities of a new family and at some point I'm considered not big enough to go out alone after dark.
A girl's life is filled with contradictory statements from her family members. Travelling 25 km by bus and then walking 2km to college is considered struggle and if she wants to go for a walk near her house with her friend is considered inappropriate.
I'm yet to find a practical solution to my problem and in the meantime I am left hanging between the two extremes of my life.

All that I want to convey through my blog is, look mom and dad... you are unable to understand that I know where I'm led to. The world outside the home is a darker place I know and I have known it long before. I have undergone and experienced things that I wouldn't want you to know coz that'll will worry you.. but understand.. I'm bold, confident and fearless and you should be proud of that. Stop doubting and worrying. I don't wanna hide anything from you.. and I would not be doing anything that makes me ashamed of myself. So just allow me to understand and explore the world you have brought me into.
Remember, if you try helping a caterpillar come out of the cocoon...you may end up making it unable to fly like a butterfly.
I am not your weaker wing I'm your BACKBONE.

Tired of feeling CONSTRAINED.